One of Those Days

Have you ever had days where you felt totally alone to deal with frustrations of  life and family?  The last week has been difficult for me.  Not only on me, as I am sure my hubby feels the same frustration but in a different way.  However, he can go out and talk with his buddies about all the garbage going on at work; for hours on end, eating out (or not), drinking, sharing the knowledge they have all gathered and getting it in one place, and trying to work out solutions.  Yep, he definitely has people he can do that with...

It is not as easy for me.  I tried that here once.  Someone I thought I could trust, someone I knew and loved - okay, thought I knew and (barely) confided in looked the other way after I did - heck nearly scampered the other direction.  I was left in the dust wondering what happened... Still am wondering...

I am not home with my friends and family - and the people I have to lean on, I have not worked with for 30 years - so I am gambling if I attempt to trust them.  I am far away from those I know I know I can trust.  Darn it, some days it is just not easy to deal with the muck without a smile from a friend or family member - someone you can truly lean on - but it is seemingly impossible from where I am.  When I do let down my guard, I am left out the flappin' as my brother says.  The only person I can honestly bear my soul to here is my hubby and there are some things I just cannot talk about with him - there is no discussion.  He gets it.  I don't.

As I keep on trudging through the muck, I keep getting deeper and deeper in waste.  I am so over it.  I am ready to go back to the states where I have people that actually do care, that do 'get it' without me saying a word.  There I can immerse myself with them and the activities and keep shoving the crap back a little bit further. I don't have to invent reasons to go out and keep my mind off of things.  There, it is easier to deal with when I bury it with friends, family and adventures while the rest of the world keeps on twirling. I can put my blinders on and my heart does not feel like it is breaking by things I cannot control.  I am no competition when it comes to some things - I am powerless... and unfortunately very obviously alone.  The smile is superficial... I am here, but I cannot let my guard down again.  I am not one to bear my heart and soul on my worst days - it does not come easy for me.  Instead, I keep it inside and eventually, I am ready to toss in the towel.  Today is that day.

Don't get me wrong - there are those that do call and those I go out to lunch with or spend the day with - and thank God for you; it is because of you that I can keep on trucking...  I keep on telling myself I will get through this too... but... today...

Calgon, please take me away!

It is one of those days - right there with the last 5.