Today I went back to the neurologist and she said something to the effect that numbers generally stay in the same area in an eeg, and as you get older they may drop a little but mine went up and down a bit more than normal. She said she normally would dismiss it, but sense I am having trouble she recommended running some more tests - one being a 3 day eeg. Fun times. And a memory test.
Yesterday was an awful day; my pain level was enormous and I felt terrible. I have been fighting some stomach problems and a few other very weird symptoms - not at all normalish symptoms for me.. I went through all my meds and read the side effects. O.M.G. Why, oh why do we take them? Because big pharma up sells them to our Drs, right? So I stopped a handful of them without calling the Drs. Nothing serious like blood pressure or depression meds, but lupus meds for pain. So for 2 weeks I had the same symptoms I tried to resolve by ditching the meds, but otherwise I was doing ok.
It hit me like a train yesterday. Now I know why I take them. Yep, I think I was correctly medicated! 🤣 Grabbing my pills and adding them back to my bin. Maybe I can move again in a week. Lupus sucks.
We worked outside fixing a fence that needed repaired. I was in the sun and that may have had something to do with my pain level. I love working outside though. How come lupus and sun have to be such bad enemies? Can’t they be friends?
The best thing about where we live is the beautiful sunsets we get. Finishing up our hard work, we got to sit and enjoy this…
Then I came in and worked on quilt squares. It is relaxing to me. Sorting, cutting, repetitive work is what I enjoy. I sit and mull over things; how to make my body better, how to clean like I need and want to, why our kids don’t call or check on us? What are they doing right now? I miss them more than words can say. Why do they want to live near us to ignore us? Why do I keep buying fabric that I don’t need? What will become of it when I die? Who cares? Why can’t we just go do a new will? Why isn’t it as important to him as it is to me to have our affairs in order? Why can’t we have true date nights and where did the romantic moments go? Oh, yes… that is why… Why can’t I lose weight? Why do I let food control me and fill the emptiness? Why do I feel so blessed and so empty at the same time?
Why does it matter that I have no clue what is going on in our kids lives? Why do we chose to live in a place that takes so much time and work? Are my traveling days over? Is this how my mom felt? Why did Covid stop our lives? Is this what God wanted or our government? To be alone? We are alone. I love Steve. I miss Sharon. I left Peggy the same way, but I tried to stay in touch. She didn’t seem to want to. Ann. I miss our crazy talks, the laughter, the fussing and the baring our souls. Louisiana, the life we wove there, the people; Theresa, Dee, FUMC, Kristine…. Martha’s family treasures her. They touch base with her, share their lives, are there for the good, the bad, laugh with her, cry with her… I always did that with my mom. What did I do to push our kids away? Is Jeremy still working? How is school going with Ari? Is Raelee moving? What goes on in my families lives? What will I fix for supper tonight?
So many wonderful, sad, curious, whimsical, lonely and thoughtful moments in my sewing room. Alone. Like these shreds of fabric, I am thinking of shreds of our lives, with moments of wholeness in them.
Then the furbabies that fill the holes. One snuggling and holding my hand.
Life goes on, and I am fine. I guess the choices we make are not ours alone… We live with other people’s choices as well. We either make it work or make ourselves miserable. I am caught in the middle.
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