Today was a Good Day…

Today, I met my sister at Hobby Lobby and found some border fabric for a lap quilt I am working on.  I think it will be a bit sassy and a bit fun.  Just what I was looking for.

I dropped some soup off to Punkin, and when she found out we were going to the Chinese restaurant that I love, she got the biggest, saddest eyes I have ever seen and begged me to bring her any morsel of Chinese food that I could spare because she was very, very hungry and “Sonic (where she is working) only has crap food!”  Granny caved.  

When I took it back to Sonic, I was creeping through the parking lot, scooting to the far side, to drop off the morsels of food, I look in the rear view mirror and see that rascal holding onto the tailgate skating behind me!  Thank God I was only going very slow!  Yes, I gently fussed her as she graciously thanked us for her food laughing her butt off.  

Then we went to an estate sale where I paid $20 for this for my friend who does genealogy…  A death scrapbook?!?  It has her family name it it multiple times, which was why I bought it, but some articles are over 100 years old!!  All deaths - some even morbidly described!

Finally, I spent several precious hours with our daughter who is going through difficult times for many reasons.  She bared her soul - and like a momma, I just want to fix it all, knowing I can’t.  I am so privileged to have such a wonder young lady.  She is strong and she will be ok, but strength comes from struggles… and struggles cause pain.  She needs lots of prayers.  Life is so tough sometimes.  

If you were out and about nearby today, did you see the amazing clouds?  I wanted to take pictures several times, but only once did I actually do it.  Here is the result:

And finally, this made me smile:

Today, was a good day.  I found our daughter again.  I can’t cure her problems, but I can be her biggest supporter and lift her to God’s arms for comfort and strength.  God has saved her so many times, I have no doubt He will continue to give everything she needs to get through these trials.  I love you, sister.  Stay strong.  ❤️

 

Neurologist, Drugs and Life

 Today I went back to the neurologist and she said something to the effect that numbers generally stay in the same area in an eeg, and as you get older they may drop a little but mine went up and down a bit more than normal.  She said she normally would dismiss it, but sense I am having trouble she recommended running some more tests - one being a 3 day eeg. Fun times.  And a memory test.  

Yesterday was an awful day; my pain level was enormous and I felt terrible.  I have been fighting some stomach problems and a few other very weird symptoms - not at all normalish symptoms for me..  I went through all my meds and read the side effects.  O.M.G.  Why, oh why do we take them? Because big pharma up sells them to our Drs, right?  So I stopped a handful of them without calling the Drs.  Nothing serious like blood pressure or depression meds, but lupus meds for pain.  So for 2 weeks I had the same symptoms I tried to resolve by ditching the meds, but otherwise I was doing ok.

It hit me like a train yesterday. Now I know why I take them.  Yep, I think I was correctly medicated!  🤣  Grabbing my pills and adding them back to my bin.  Maybe I can move again in a week.  Lupus sucks.

We worked outside fixing a fence that needed repaired.  I was in the sun and that may have had something to do with my pain level.  I love working outside though.  How come lupus and sun have to be such bad enemies?  Can’t they be friends?

                 

The best thing about where we live is the beautiful sunsets we get.  Finishing up our hard work, we got to sit and enjoy this…

Then I came in and worked on quilt squares.  It is relaxing to me.  Sorting, cutting, repetitive work is what I enjoy.  I sit and mull over things; how to make my body better, how to clean like I need and want to, why our kids don’t call or check on us?  What are they doing right now?  I miss them more than words can say.  Why do they want to live near us to ignore us?  Why do I keep buying fabric that I don’t need?  What will become of it when I die?  Who cares?  Why can’t we just go do a new will?  Why isn’t it as important to him as it is to me to have our affairs in order?  Why can’t we have true date nights and where did the romantic moments go?  Oh, yes… that is why… Why can’t I lose weight?  Why do I let food control me and fill the emptiness? Why do I feel so blessed and so empty at the same time?  

Why does it matter that I have no clue what is going on in our kids lives?  Why do we chose to live in a place that takes so much time and work?  Are my traveling days over?  Is this how my mom felt?  Why did Covid stop our lives?  Is this what God wanted or our government?  To be alone? We are alone.  I love Steve.  I miss Sharon.  I left Peggy the same way, but I tried to stay in touch.  She didn’t seem to want to.  Ann.  I miss our crazy talks, the laughter, the fussing and the baring our souls.  Louisiana, the life we wove there, the people; Theresa, Dee, FUMC, Kristine…. Martha’s family treasures her.  They touch base with her, share their lives, are there for the good, the bad, laugh with her, cry with her… I always did that with my mom.  What did I do to push our kids away?  Is Jeremy still working?  How is school going with Ari?  Is Raelee moving?  What goes on in my families lives?  What will I fix for supper tonight?

So many wonderful, sad, curious, whimsical, lonely and thoughtful moments in my sewing room.  Alone.  Like these shreds of fabric, I am thinking of shreds of our lives, with moments of wholeness in them.  

Then the furbabies that fill the holes.  One snuggling and holding my hand.  

Life goes on, and I am fine.  I guess the choices we make are not ours alone… We live with other people’s choices as well.  We either make it work or make ourselves miserable.  I am caught in the middle.  

Catching Up

We have had 7 baby calves and 4 more to go.  I love watching them play.  Those babies jump out of the womb and start kicking within an hour!  It is crazy to watch!  

Something many don’t know is that other cattle babysit a pile of babies while the other moms eat.  Usually one cow, or donkey, or even a bull, is put babysitting the babies for a bit, then they are relieved by another cow.  We see this all the time.  I love looking in pastures and seeing piles of babies with a babysitter.  Keep an eye out on pastures - you will see it too.  My father-in-law says they have done that since the beginning of time.  

This is kinda what our pasture looks like between babysitting duty!  Most of the time babies are nursing.

This is our total count as of today.  And yes, we name our cattle.

I finally got in to a neurologist, who took all my symptoms seriously.  She took an immediate eeg, will get my records from the various places and I go back in a week.  Finally, I felt like someone cared!  Updates later.  I don’t know anything other than a Dr didn’t blow me off.  ❤️

I just got a call from my hubby.  He lost a tire in the bike today while riding.  He thinks he hit something at a truck stop that punctured it.  Anyway, the guys have all been picking at him to get a new tire.  Steve is known to get every bit of goodie out of a set of tires.  This time, it caught him, but thank God he is ok.  

And with 3 couples with him, he will never hear the end of it - but it won’t be coming from me!  😂

Later gator.  Damn I miss Louisiana.  🐊 

 

Jewelry Boxes

Raelee and I went to a garage sale last summer and there were two old jewelry boxes on the table.  I peeked in them and sure enough there was jewelry.  Lots of jewelry!  I asked how much for the boxes and he said $60.  I asked him if he realized there was a class ring in one and he said, “I don’t give a shit what is in them - it was my ex’s and I don’t want anything to do with any of it!”  He was standing next to his lady who was just as nice hateful as he was and she agreed it needs to go!  

So I said, “Well, I won’t give $60 for them, but I will give you $40 for them.”  He agreed and off we went.  I figured we would go through them, find little of interest, try to find the class ring owner and sell it all if we couldn’t.  Laughing, Raelee and I agreed to split the profits.

In the jewelry boxes were name tags for places she had worked and bank membership cards - but the bank was no longer in the area.  There were pictures there and a half dozen or so of one girl, so I assumed it was probably her.  I tried to find the owner several times - even reaching out to the school alumni with little response other than they would “see if they could find that person.”  Never heard another thing.  Occasionally, I would stumble across the jewelry boxes and try again.  

Last week, I once again put her picture in a local social media group for her city.  Lo and behold, someone tagged someone and I get a PM “Who are you, what do you have of my daughters, and why do you have it?”  Momma bear claws.

I explained the situation and how I got them, she asked many questions and finally realized I was legit. When I said it had employee name tags she said, “For Target?” And it was then, I knew we had found its owner’s mom.

Long story shorter, mom picked it up, reimbursing me the $40 that I paid and she and her daughter, Missi, have thanked me profusely.  Last night, one more message came through that mom had gone through the jewelry box and there were many family heirlooms in it - not just the class ring.  

I could have never sold it and would have tried until my dying day to find their owners.  There were too many memories tucked in those boxes.  I was blessed to find its owner.  The smiles and words we have exchanged since?  Well, I am glad these boxes will soon be home.

Oh, the things we considered precious when we were young and the things we didn’t think we’re important until they became a memory… they do matter.

 

Another Calf!

I was gazing out the kitchen window and Elsie, right before my very eyes, dropped a calf!  I didn’t see her clear it’s face, so I took off running outside.  While I was running, I was yelling for Steve… which is seldom a good thing considering everything we have been through with me.  However, once he saw where I was looking, he reassured me that it was Elsie - she is a great momma.  Sure enough, little Jim is fine.  

Steve always calls all the cattle into the round pen to feed every evening - it makes them comfortable to be there and they load easy when he needs to take them into the vet or to the stockyard.  However, the new mommas don’t come to the pen, they are protecting their babies.  We walk a bucket of feed to the new momma and admire her baby, check them both out and see if we have a boy or girl.  This is the events BOY in a row!!    We are going boy crazy!  Lol… 

As you can see, Mrs Elsie was ready for little Jim - she always has so much milk!  In a few weeks, she will gladly be sharing with any calf!  😂

Little Jim is about an hour old here…

Do you see a rabbit in the hay?  I just glanced that way and did a double take!

Oklahoma has the most beautiful sunsets!  Just sharing this one with you.  It literally made me gasp.  I am so thankful to be alive.  Looking at the baby calf looking for his momma’s teet, then seeing this… I have to wonder how you can’t believe in a God.  How does that cow give birth to a calf, and how does that calf know where his supper is?  And who can mix those amazing colors and call it sunset?  

There must be a majestic God!

This man makes my world twirl.  He cares deeply for me and shows me over and over every day.  It pains me that I am always sick, always struggling and always so darned tired.  If I didn’t have him and our mighty God, I would simply toss in the towel.  But every day, both keep nudging me on.  There has to be a reason for me to still to be here, so I keep looking for God to show me His need for me to be in His world.  It can’t be Steve - it is much to comfortable to be with him,  He makes my life worth living - but I want to do the same for him; be well, be fun and be who I used to be.  I feel so lost in my space.

And this is Jake in HIS truck with HIS dad.  😂

The only way he comes in every night is after his ride!

He is pretty serious about it.  Can you tell?

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Today was the sinus Dr.  He needs another CAT scan, a culture and wants to wash my sinuses with antibiotics and steroids.  He added an antibiotic sinus rinse (like I need more sinus rinses every day), and 2 more sinus meds.  🤢

The headache and fatigue never quits - but I got my 10,000 steps in.  5-10,000 every day whether I feel like it or not.  I try and mostly succeed putting one foot in front of the other.  😊

Also, got an appointment with a neurologist for the shaking next Thursday… unbelievably quick.  🎉 

*****************£****

 

Sadie Had A Boy!

Yesterday’s bike ride is still kicking my butt today.  

I held an iPhone class and our daughter-in-law and son helped by hosting an Android class.  They did terrific, but I was floundering.  I am sure the ladies learned something, but I was not on top of my game - but we got through it.  

Sadly, I still wouldn’t have given up that ride.  It is hard to give up things you love.  I want to be a part of OHCE, the bike and outside world plus do regular chores and shopping, but I am seeing that my body just can’t keep up with my ‘want tos’.  I am struggling enough that I am beginning to finally see it, trying accept it and know that a ‘normal’ life is impossible.  

Crafts; I love doing them.  Today, I tried to stay after my cell phone class to help make centerpieces for our Monday night OHCE banquet, but I cratered.  I was so overwhelmed with the mass of flowers and craft paraphernalia, that I couldn’t make sense of it.

I didn’t even feel like driving my 25 minutes home, but I packed up, drove home, left everything in the truck, walked in the door and crumpled into my recliner.  I was too tired to even sleep.  I just sat.  No texting, just coloring, no real tv, just mindless noise.  I sat and thought of all the things I should have done/said.  And then once again I realized I am trying to live in a life I no longer belong in.  How do I give it up?  🤷🏻‍♀️

After resting several hours and letting the sun go down  (lupus), I went to meet our new bull calf, Jason, born to Sadie.  He is extremely tall!!  He is not as dark as most of them, and a little grayer than the others, but they always turn black soon anyway.  Yes, we have special requests for names.  Steve’s friend Jason wanted this one named after him - so Jason he is!  

Little Jason wandered in the bull pasture while his mommy was eating, so Steve had to carry him back to the mommy pasture.  He thought that was a scary place!  Those big boys have to bully little guys around to show them who’s boss!  He was glad to see mom again and she sure fussed at us all!  Little Jason got his first scolding!  I think she got his attention!  😂  

Meet little Jason and his mom Sadie:

That was the excitement in our day!  Farm life.  ❤️

I got a call from a neurologist today and am scheduled in for next Thursday to evaluate my shaking and drunk walking.  We will see how that goes.  Hopefully better than last time.  Praying they find an easy fix and he doesn’t blow me off like the previous jerk.  

Tomorrow I go in to my sinus Dr. 3 month recheck.  He told me before my surgery I would hate him after my surgery and be his best friend 6 weeks after my surgery.  3 months later, he still isn’t my best friend, I have a sinus infection and a blockage still.  

I will tell him he isn’t the first Dr who can’t consider me a success story.  Many have come before him…  😂

 

I Withdraw...

When I am not well, I withdraw.  I guess I never realized it, but my friend, Brenda, kept asking if I was ok.  I really wasn't physically ok, but I am so used to 'dog paddling' that I keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing whatever I had planned to do.  If I stayed home when I don't feel well, then I would never walk out my door.  If I rested in bed when I don't feel well, I would never get out of bed.  Honestly, I never feel well, so my way around that is keep on keepin' on.  I did that even when I was young.  Edith would find out I wasn't feeling well, and she would suggest just staying home.  I would respond with "I am not contagious and if I stayed home I would just keep thinking about how crappy I feel.  I would rather get out and enjoy my day."  I still feel that way.  

However, I try to not be withdrawn - but it is difficult.  When you struggle physically, it is so overwhelming; trying to figure out how to get to feeling better quickly, what caused me to tank all the sudden, how to get on top of it and let's just enjoy the moment/day/occasion. 

This is a new friend and we are still getting to know each other.  I guess that was what she was seeing... me withdrawing.  We had been riding bikes the day after my infusion - I should have known better, but I want to do what I want to do.  My infusion yesterday caused me to have major nausea, but my headache was only mild.  While we were out this morning taking our quilts to get quilted, Brenda mentioned that it was a beautiful day - let's ask the guys to go on a bike ride.  Still only having a mild headache, I agreed and we did.  What a wonderful ride!

About halfway through, after sitting in the sun for a bit chatting (it was not hot), my head started throbbing.  By the time I got home, I was miserable.  I came straight in and leaned back on my recliner and fell into a deep, exhausted sleep.      

I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating it is to want to LIVE life and enjoy every second without PAYING for my decisions to have fun.  Every.  Single.  Time.  It is so maddening.  It pisses me off.  But I continue to try and try again.  And it never fails, I suffer.  

I was given my death sentence in 2016, but I am still alive - and I intend to use every freaking minute I have enjoying it.  I will not give up, give in and toss in the towel, but please tell me how to accept that I will pay for every one of those decisions.     

This is me looking in a mirror.  I only see my moma looking back at me.  She was also sick.  I know how she felt.  She just wanted to sit, but she didn't have money to go anywhere, so that is what she did - sat.  She listened to my stories of kids and camping, my sister's stories of her moves and her kiddos, she listened to my brother's stories of Germany and my other sisters trials and tribulations.  And she did a lot of praying for us all.  I see what happened, she was too poor to go out and enjoy life, so she sat and thought about how sick she was.  She lost the will to fight any more.    

Come to think of it, I see me looking back and defying the odds.  I see me fighting like a banshee and continuing to put one foot in front of the other.  I see me crashing when I poop out and then getting up to do more.  I will go in the hole fighting to have one more moment.  I have to remember not to withdraw though.  

Primary immunodeficiency sucks.  Lupus sucks.  ICL sucks.  All together - I will thrive and survive.