In the process of seeing how badly I was hurt after my fall, the CAT scan found a 1/4” “eroding vessel” between my C2/C3. I don’t even know what that means, but it is just one more thing.
I am sick of fighting medical battles. Just sick of them. My head hurts 100% of the time. I am exhausted. Sun hurts me. My foot feels like a splinter is in it permanently wedged there. My Dr says since it is below my arthritic toes, it is likely arthritis. Yes, I have stiff toes, too And since the fall, my body screams that it is (everything) out of place, so I saw a chiropractor. What a freaking joke! Payment plans/24 visits total/3 times a week. 2 months - 60 mile round trips… Moving (slowly) on.
The older I get the more depressed I get.
We cave a huge camper. We have a nice boat. We have a hot tub. We have nearly 40 acres of property with 4-wheeling trails and a deep, giant pond.
Boat may have been out 3 times in 5 years. Last time *I* was on it was when a storm came in and Steve’s cousin rescued me while Steve went and got the truck. It terrified me. I asked to go out again, but the “yeah” said it all. We haven’t. I think he took the kids out twice.
The camper. We went (only) to visit friends near Branson in it. The previous trip was pre-covid with his family - which are also getting older. I loved those trips. I told him last month that we had nearly 2 weeks open in October. Let’s plan something. “Yeah, we can.” But we haven’t. Here we sit.
The hot tub. I had a bleed. It got messed up. I was not well prior to the bleed, so it was my fault it got nasty to begin with. I don’t WANT to go in it every single day, but it helps me on my awful days which are a lot of days.
It irritates him that I don’t jump up every morning and get in it. I have to shower (showers exhaust me) every time I get in it. He doesn’t. I have Sjögren’s, he doesn’t. I have ‘girl parts’, he doesn’t. So, the Dr later put me on a pain patch and I find out that getting in the hot tub sucks that pain medicine right in - to me! All of the med. I tell him I will just take it off. No response. It is my fault that damned tub has sat full of crappy water for 4 years.
Boat. Parked. Camper. Parked. Hot tub. Parked. Why do I get so depressed looking around at all the things we could be doing? Because this life hurting sucks! I want to camp, fish and enjoy the crappy days I have left - even if I hurt.
Raelee and him have been working on a bike for over a year. Well, Raelee has stayed on him to work on it and it got done. If it were from me, it would be labeled nagging. She just wanted her bike done. She was determined. Now it has another problem. And at 3:30, he is napping… since 2. He will head out at 4 to feed the cattle, then work in the shop on her bike until 8.
I love him with all my being. Most can see we love each other. Many are even envious. But. He drinks. A lot. He isn’t mean at all and he doesn’t get ugly. In fact, he gets lovey dovey-er nice to me and shows how concerned he is about me. I do know he loves me. Who else would put up with all my bs? My worry and complaint is that his drinking is causing his lack of drive to do anything at all and so we just don’t. I will die wishing we did and he will die drinking and not knowing what we missed.
Finally, I have had two major incidents; the bleed and this fall. Serious health issues, plus the one I am diagnosed with. “Holy hell, I have no idea how you are still alive! Anyone with these numbers are dead or dying!” (Dr at NIH’s words) I want a will, better yet a trust. We have a will but it is old and in Louisiana. I want my end of life somewhat settled so I don’t have to fret over things getting where they belong. Well obviously, if I am dead, I won’t fret, but I want things ironed out. *Now!*
Now you know what’s what is really bothering me. Yes, I am depressed. Very, very, very depressed. I cry almost daily. I see no way out. I can change me, but I can’t change others. Others have to have the desire. So what’s next? I don’t know. My frustration is high, my depression is deep, my fear is real but my love is deeper than deep. He will always be my hero. Always.
And this is the first time ever I have shared a word about his drinking. Oh, our kids and some family members know, but I don’t talk to anyone about it ever. I would never betray him like that. Except a counselor I had gone to… but I am just so frustrated now that I have to say it.
Everyone in the oilfield drinks as near as I saw. Everyone in south Louisiana drinks beer like water. And isn't alcohol addiction hereditary? So he has gotten it from all sides.
I learned to cook some bad assed awesome food in south Louisiana. GOOD food. And it isn't diet friendly. So I am overweight. And he drinks. Two peas in a pod? And I am complaining? No, I am worried. I love this man with every fiber of my being. I know he loves me as well. These things are not deal breakers, just bumps in an already bumpy road.
And now you (?) know. No one I am sure, but my blog does. Goodnight.
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