Half Written Post

 But this stupid internet is s-l-o-w!

Don’t know what this means?  Google speed test, hit "test", hit "go" or whatever.

Then compare yours to mine.

Remember dial-up?  Yep, our speed is almost as good as dialup!

Trying again tomorrow.

Then Came Two

Liz was 15 months old when mom got pregnant again.  She needed lots of help with this pregnancy and Liz, so I stayed home much more than before.  Dad was pretty much out of the picture most of the time.  We found out later he had a girlfriend, but the deed was done.  I remember having to roll moma out of the bed because she was so huge.  

Moma was terribly sick the entire pregnancy.  She was still convinced something was terribly wrong.  Grands (dad’s parents btw) were upset with her because dad and her were on the outs, she was pregnant (again) and couldn't care for the two she had and dad had lied to them about everything going on.  She was on their 'it' list.  No help.

She had no one except Liz (a baby) and me.  Rolling her was a huge chore for an 8 year old and a 2 year old.  Mom cried, we cried, she tried rolling, we tried rolling her… it was hard, but we would finally get her up.  We all made it.  With us.  No help.

Mom went in to (full term) labor and she had to call grands to keep us girls.  Granddad made sure our father was at the hospital because, well, because they weren’t divorced and it was his baby coming, so he owed moma that, I suppose.  

The story is that dad was sitting in the waiting room and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations!  You have a BOY!"  Dad was super excited to 'finally' have a boy.  A few minutes later, a nurse comes out and says, "Congratulations!  You have a GIRL!"  

Dad was like, "NO!  You said I have a BOY!  You SAID a boy!!"  Nurse replies, "Yes, sir, you have a boy AND a girl!"  Dad faints.

And now we had twins.  Perfectly healthy, beautiful TWINS!  No, not identical, he is a BOY and she is a GIRL, not identical by any stretch of the imagination.  Lol.. people really ASK that!

Now we know why mom thought there was seriously something wring with her pregnancy!  Dad?  Yeah, he was there about 6 months if you could actually say he was there... he was in and more out.  And definitely no help.  So mom and I had 3 kiddos.  Liz, Danny and Sherry (now spelled Shari).  Mom was so overwhelmed and depressed.  Dad really did a number on her; he dogged her all the time, she had gone through all that in Colorado, now he was not paying bills here and the only thing keeping us safe was the house we lived in.  He couldn't screw it up because grands owned it.  We didn't have to move in the middle of the night, but we still had to come up with money to pay the bills.  With 3 kids.  Oh!  Four, I was still a kid, too.

I will be honest.  None of my years were easy, but these were the toughest times ever.  Before it was just me, now it was me, my brother and sisters and my mom.  This was scary.  Mom started selling Avon and Tupperware to make ends meet.  It took at lot of time away from home, but I was able to care for the kids.  We had pretty much done it together from the start.  She had taught me to change diapers, to feed and care for my brother and sisters.  I would do that while she worked.  Our little town was small so she would check on us often.

At some point, I don't really know when, she started going out with a man named John.  He started helping with the bills and she depended on him for helping with house things, repairs, etc.  The fact was, it came with a cost.  Her girls.  Of course, he lied to her and made sure she was out when he came over.  He molested me.  I can't speak for anyone else, but he said he 'loved me like a father' and did his thing.  I had always been taught to respect adults and I knew no better.  I was about 11 when he started molesting me.  Much too young and naïve and way too trusting.  It happens just like they say on TV.  He threatened to kill my mom, my siblings and my grandparents if I let them in on "our little secret."

The fact was, he was married.  He was married to my best friend's mom.  I can't tell the rest of that story either, but we became one big family.  His wife knew, but I she had lost her first husband in a shooting.  I think she needed someone to pay the bills.  So mom, Norma, John, Sharon, Jeanie and our family all became like one big family.  It was strange.  And I 'pretended' to be everyone but the person I was.  A counselor told me that I had started that early: whoever I was living with was who I tried to change to.  If they liked Fruit Loops, I liked Fruit Loops, if they loved Pizza, I loved Pizza.  So when I started being molested, I ‘became someone else’ - like a movie star… but it was my way of 'checking out' from the life I was in, which made sense, but it hurt a lot of people.  I had learned lying from my dad.  I had gotten very good at it and very good at pretending to NOT be who I truly was.  Thankfully, much later I learned lying isn't worth the grief it causes.  I backslid a few times years ago, but my heart ached.  I stopped.  

That went on for years; the relationships, the lying, the sexual abuse, the physical abuse from angry parents, and the neglect because mom just could not handle the deck she had been dealt.

  Jeanie and I were best friends, both confused, but lucky to have each other to get through that mess.  And only *we* knew the mess.  Truly, no one would ever, or could ever, understand - to this very day.  It was complicated.  Very, very complicated and way too complicated to even try to weed out and explain to counselors later.  Not at all healthy, but it was how we survived.  And we cared for the kids.  Jeanie got to go back to her home at 706 (house number), but the kids and I stayed at 813, while mom was flittering somewhere between both places.  Ultimately the kids came to think of me as more the mom, the protector and 'Sissy'.  I think I probably took over by protecting them from mom and her anger, dad and his lack of support, John and whatever he could do, and anyone else that could hurt them. 

Looking back, I think mom tried to take over, but I pushed back and she didn't fight it - she questioned her sanity because dad and grands had convinced her she was crazy.  The more she pulled away, the more I took over.  Eventually, the kids became 'mine', sadly, because Moma loved us all.  She was truly so dysfunctional thanks to all the ones that abused her.  But she cared.  She honestly did. She had no idea John was doing what he was.  She thought she could trust him and let her heart do so.  Dad had never molested us, so I am sure she never even considered that it was a possibility from another person.  She was going to Oklahoma State Tech to get her accounting degree and he was abusing us.  Conveniently scheduled around her schedule.  

It was years later, and years after John had died of a massive heart attack, that she realized what had been going on and called me crying and trying to apologize.  I wasn't open to it yet.  I hung up on her.  

Back to the kids and I.  I had no idea how to raise kids.  I was a kid that was raised in a very dysfunctional environment, but I knew how grands had raised me.  With respect, security and love.  That is what I tried to give the kids.  Still to this day,  I love them like my own, but I know they were moma's.  I know she loved us all.  She was soooo confused and felt unworthy of us.  How do people take another's self worth away?   Ask my dad, my Uncle Billy, my grandparents and even John.   Sadly, we can't.  They are all dead.

But it doesn't end here... more another day.

 *** 

I have been walking like a drunk for 4 days now.  I have no idea what causes it, but it happens every few months.  Today, I was walking, got off balance and fell.  In front of at least 15 people!  All looking at me because I was showing them something.  Lord have mercy!  I am fine, but I would sure like to know why I walk drunk.  No I don't drink anything but water and tea!  And yes, I was embarrassed.  

***

Six to Eight-ish

Me.  

In Tulsa with this little mo-ped (I am sure I will be corrected) of dad’s in Tulsa - I was 5-ish.

I know, this is out of sequence, but I needed to back up little bit... 

When I was around 6, my parents came back to grands to pick me up and move to Colorado.  I had no idea what Colorado was, but I was excited to be finally going with my parents for 'good'.  We moved to Colorado Springs, then to Pueblo, Denver, Canon City, Aurora, Loveland, then to Castle Rock,... yeah, we moved and moved and moved. Sometimes we moved in the night.  Sometimes, we moved during the day and some days we moved with people yelling at us.

We finally hit a place called Castle Rock and lived in a little farmhouse.  This is the first Christmas I ever remember.  We never had Christmas at Grands - probably there was so little money and too many kids!  I have only wonderful memories of these gifts and this holiday.  We were happy.  For a very short while.

When we were in Castle Rock, we lived on a ‘ranch’.  We had lots of property with a small house.  I had never been happier in my life.  There was a pasture and sometimes there were horses in it.  The owner (we rented) told me that one of the horse's name was Star.  I went out in the mornings to check on the horses - I had always wanted a horse of course (what kid doesn't) so I was infatuated with that horse and was determined to be a cowboy!  (I still didn’t realize I was a girl)  😂

One morning I went out and Star had a baby!   I was so freaking excited that I RACED in to tell my parents - who did not believe me.  I begged for them to go see the baby horse and finally dad came out.  He was surprised, and laughed saying I was right - and I was so danged pleased with myself - it was like *I* had the baby!  LOL... The owner came and I told her Star had a twinkle - and hence, the baby was named Twinkle.

Then we moved.  Again.  To a basement in Denver.  Dark, scary and the people were not nice at all.  Mom and dad argued all the time.  Well, they always had, but in Castle Rock I had a big pasture to entertain myself in.  Mom was pregnant with another child, and tired.  I am sure she was tired of moving, of dad assuring her the money was in the bank, her paying the rent and then finding out the checks had bounced.  She had to be distraught, tired and overwhelmed trying to move and re-move - all while carrying a baby.

This is a picture of preggy mom on the farm before we moved to Denver.

One night, we got in the car in Denver at night.  I must have fallen asleep and when I woke I was alone in the car, pitch black at night, in a parking lot of a BIG building.  I waited and waited.  I cried.  I cried some more.  Finally a man walked past, heard me bawling, and asked me where my parents were.  I had no idea.  Somehow he found my dad and he told me mom had a baby boy, but he died.  He apologized for leaving me in the car, that he was with moma.  What about me?!?  I swear I bawled for HOURS in that pitch black car!

Moma was distraught.  She cried and cried.  She had to leave the baby at the hospital - I am sure because dad couldn't pay for anything else.  But she was so broken.  Dad was relentless. I don't know if he was upset about the baby dying, but he had no sympathy for mom. They fought.  More then they had ever fought before and that is saying something, believe me.

One day I got on the phone and called an operator crying.  I told her I wanted to go home.  She asked where I lived and I told her with my grandma and grandpa.  Of course she asked where, and who and whatever else she had to ask and she miraculously got my grandfather on the phone.  When he answered, I thanked the operator, then to my grandfather, grands said I said this. "I have a piggy bank with money.  I will give you everything in my piggy bank for gas if you come get me."  He asked where I was and, bless his heart, he was there the next day to take me 'home'. 

That is my grandad on the left.  ❤️

 I don't know the rest of the story - where mom and dad were or how long they were in Castle Rock - or where they were- after I left.  I still wonder about Star and Twinkle.  

So I came back to grands place - my anchor spot.  Solid. Same house always.  No moving for a long time.

(Mom wrote a letter about this time of her life in a letter that I have and recently read. It absolutely breaks my heart.  I am so glad that mom and I were best friends and at peace with our past.  She needed unconditional love, and with me, she had it.  We laughed, we cried, we hugged and we were truly happy until her dying day.  She was always sick, but we struggled together through our illnesses.)

Guess what?  I was safely at my Grandparents home when my parents came to pick me up again.  I was 8.  Mom was pregnant again.

Along Came Liz

I stayed with grands for a while but mom and dad came back.  Grands had bought a house at "913" N Central - right next to a railroad track - that they used for my aunt and uncle with the 4 boys.  I am sure they needed space and anytime parents came back for kids, they needed that place to tuck them - temporarily - because it was never going to be long, it never was.  They boys had ended up in an orphanage, and aunt Con and Uncle Vic had moved on. So mom and dad went to "913" to stay - so for now, we had a stable place that we weren't getting booted out of.

Did I say NEXT to a railroad track?  I think there might of 20 yards to the track.  Do you remember "I Love Lucy" in a hotel on the tracks?  With the bed bouncing across the floor when the train passed?  Yep, that was us.  We stayed there for a bit over a year.  Then mom found out she was pregnant again and Connie and Vic had come back, the boys went with them, so 'our' place was now theirs again.  But... 

Grands bought another house on 813 N Alabama.  It was old with plaster and horse hair walls.  It had lathe in the walls, and wood floors, and it was the best place I had ever lived in other than the 'ranch' in Colorado.  It was bigger than the ranch house and it was near grands - my base camp.  I knew we would be ok now.  This one was almost 'ours' because grands owned it.  They paid $5,000 for that place.  It was old, and it was theirs, so we had 'stable'. 

When I was almost 8, my baby sister Elizabeth came along.  Mom and dad were still on and off again trying to stay married.  Most of the time my ‘home base’ was with grands and the boys.  It was probably when Liz was born that I realized I wasn’t a boy.  Grands would holler for ‘us’ boys to come and eat and I came right along with Roger, John Dee, Phillip and Billy.  If you haven't figured it out, we were like one big huge family that rotated out of grands place.  

So when Liz was born, I stayed home a bit more to help care for her.  I loved my sister dearly - after all, she was younger than me and not a boy.  She was soft and cuddly and I just adored her and the attention she brought with everyone looking at her beautiful, tiny face.  

Mom and dad were still struggling (fighting) when they were together and I am sure I didn’t like the tension.  Grands place was 5 straight neighborhood blocks away - and as soon as I figured she was old enough, I started walking her to grands.  I was too young to realize the dangers, mom was caught up in her own misery, and she hated us hearing her and dad argue, so she allowed it.  We didn’t have a phone or a tv, and thankfully our little town was quiet so we always made it the 5 blocks.  

I loved my little sister.  It gave me something to concentrate on other than my (missing) cousins, my parent's arguing, my dad's philandering with other women and my mom's crying. She was so sad and broken.  I have no idea how my mom made it through all the crap.  My mom was a miserable mess; she had been adopted and barely saw her adoptive family, (my dad saw to that), so there was no support from anyone.

She had dad's parents (my grandparents), but they were on dad's side because of his lies.  And he lied about everything.  He was a habitual liar and, honestly, he could not tell truth from his lies.  They melted into the same for him.  So I guess what I am leading to my mom had zero support.  Zero.  

I got to where I would take my baby sister to the park, to grands, just outside... anything to keep her out of the turmoil going on in our lives.

Remember I said my mom was pregnant again?  Imagine her being pregnant again, with no support, with a husband that was fooling around on her and with two children.  She was also convinced with this pregnancy that there was definitely something wrong.  I am sure she had flashbacks from the baby she lost in Colorado, but she knew there was something different going on this time.  She cried.  She told everyone but she was blown off.  I am not sure she even went to a Dr.  Dad was... dad... he paid no bills, he lied and he moved because he paid no bills!  How could she have even gone to a Dr?

The rest of this story coming in another post.  Hopefully, sooner that they have been.

*******

Digging out of a depression is difficult, to say the least.  In 4 months, I have had my bestie move to another state, a terrible fall, a concussion, post concussion syndrome, headaches from you-know-where, sinus surgery, 2 major holidays and a major storm.  Be patient with me.  I think I may see the light at the end of the tunnel, but who knows?  At least I have something the write about for my kids to see someday!  

Baby to Six-ish

The house at 1318 - grands place and my main homestead - aka “safe place”.

I was raised by my grandparents until I was about 8.  My mom was super sick when I was born and my grandparents took me in.  My parents didn't have the money to support me, but they tried off and on during my first 8 years.  My dad had a problem handling money.  If he had a check, he had money, even though there wasn't a dime in the checking account.  He would tell mom he deposited "x" amount, she would pay bills and then find out the money was never there.  We would get booted out of whatever we were living in and sometimes I would go back to grands  It was like mini vacations with my mom and dad.  We lived in 7 places in Colorado over nearly a 2 year period.  The 'vacations' were often hungry, confusing, and unsettling.  There was no consistency or security.  

I remember moving in the middle of the night several times. Once I was left at a friends for a very long time - I don't know how long, but I didn't even know them, though I am sure my parents did.  I slept upstairs with their daughter and heard the wolves howling - I had never heard them before and I was terrified.  Their kids loved Fruit Loops and I learned to hate them.  I just wanted to go home... to my grandparents... somewhere safe.

Mom and dad eventually came back to get me, but we didn't have food or even the bare necessities. We lived on a ranch in Castle Rock and another family lived nearby - I assume who we rented from.  Mom and dad argued over the money problems.  One night I dialed the 0 on the phone (I have no recollection of whose phone - I doubt we had one) and was crying.  I told the operator that I wanted to go home.  She asked a lot of questions and I remember her asking my granddad's name and what town he lived in.  Eventually I heard my granddad's voice and sobbing, I told him I had some pennies in a piggy bank and I would give them ALL to him if he would come get me.  The next day, granddad picked me up in Colorado and brought me 'home' to Okmulgee, Ok.

When I was with them, Grands had me and my four cousins; Roger, John Dee, Phillip and Billy.  We all rotated in and out.  Their parents were about as good as mine, except their dad was an alcoholic.  Sometimes one or two of the boys went to a Methodist Christian ranch near Tahlequah Ok.  We went to visit them and plant trees and Iris, but I was scared that I would get left there.  It never happened, but as confusing as my life was, it was always on my mind that I might end up being left there, too. 

I was super careful to be polite and behave to the best of my ability.  Thinking back the boys that ended up there were the ones that acted out constantly - probably because of their circumstances.  I was the rule follower, always trying to adapt to be what whoever I was living with wanted me to be.  If they liked Fruit Loops, I liked Fruit Loops, if they liked the color blue, it was my favorite.  By the time I was 8, I had no idea who I was - I had adapted to be how THEY wanted me to be - and changed with each THEY.

I was a tomboy, and needless to say, I grew up not afraid of snakes, toads, bugs or frogs.  In fact, mysteriously they ended up in my bed!  😂  I could box with the best ‘em and grew a strong will with 4 ‘brothers’ and stood my ground.  I knocked them out of trees, down flights of stairs and I only learned to do that after being thrown out my second story window onto the awning below.  They never did that again - I kept one up on them.

2 are deceased now, Phil lives in Ohio and John Dee in Texas.  Lives have gone different ways.  I seldom see or hear from them, but I will love them always.  I used to talk to John Dee, but it is awkward.  I was close to his mom and she left them when they were kids.  He remembers the circumstances, though I am not sure accurately, and she swears differently.  Anyway, how can a heart not forgive a mother that tried to make it right. She died not every healing with any of her boys. 

Aunt Connie was like a second mom to me, often making her own stories up, but they were lavish and funny.  Who knows what was real or what was 'invented'.  She was a hoot to be around. She found her true love; an honest to God New York Jew and we loved Uncle Ed as well.  I miss them both - both have left this life and moved on the their next one.  John Dee did become close to and forgive his father, so I guess that was a blessing.  I fear he remembers his father's drunken story instead of the real truth somewhere in the middle of both their stories.

My poor grandmother.  No wonder she was gray in her 30’s!  Granddad was an automotive instructor at Tech and taught during the day, so he got away some.  Grands never drove so she was stuck at home.  With us.  They both were the most patient people in the world.  Grands knew the Bible word for word.  Jeremy would open it and start reading and she would just jump in after a few words and recite it with him - without looking at it!  We were blessed to have our grandparents.  They taught me Christianity, right from wrong,  politeness, to believe in others and to give grace and forgiveness freely.  I would not be who I am without their time and dedication to me during my first few years.  

And I was always sick  Sometimes we would have to walk several miles to the ENT because I always had a sinus infection even then!  However, after seeing the Dr, I always got a 'prescription' for an ice cream cone while my real prescriptions were being filled - then we walked several miles back home.  It was entertaining to say the least.  Getting 5 littles safely several miles then back home safely.  How did she do it?

The next few years coming soon... 

 

Gourdy

Meet Gourdy!  Last year I got elected by my OHCE group to decorate a gourd.  I sent off for one praying that I got a decent one though I had no idea what to make.  Then came my gourd.  

I raced to the cradle room, grabbed my dremel saw (?) drill (?) and went to work.  Gourdy magically appeared in just a few hours.  That is an antiperspirant lid for his hat, the rim is foam and a pipe cleaner nose.

Can you believe he won first place at the Rogers County Fair?

He might be my favorite snowman.  Or maybe not.  

After all, how can I pick just one?

Off to order my next gourd - I was chosen to decorate another gourd.  😊

 

December Came and Went!

 What the heck?  This will be a quick catch-up, but honestly, I forget to come here.  Our life is so boring!  

This last month was great though; Raelee had us over for pigs in a blanket Christmas Eve.  It was so calming and absolutely wonderful. Here is her tree and her Sonic ordering stand from the 80’s or so… she is a penny pincher, but she sure paid $70 for this at a garage sale!  We all love it!

And here she is with her grandmother Ruth, who moved here from Oregon this last month.  

Long story, another post.

We went to Eishand’s to eat while we were visiting mother and Rod - my request.  All the family kept raving about the food, but we hadn’t eaten there, so I asked to go!  Great fried chicken!

The whole family showed up.  That is Brad straight back, Mandy was in the left, Uncle Weldon, … Jeff, Steve’s brother, and Aunt Sandra is on the right… 

Mother and Rod: 

We went to see Steve’s Aunt June in Yukon on the way back from seeing his mom and Rod.  ❤️

We also saw our friends, Laura and Mike - he was best man at our wedding… a very long time ago.  😂

And we played Sequence with our friends 

and biker buds.  

Got a new biker shirt:

From Eischen’s Bar (the fried chicken place.

And Steve got Covid.  

We are still quarantined, for life from everything I read, and of course it changes day to day.  He is fine, it is like cold symptoms; nothing serious.  We both got the magical Regeneron medication.  Hopefully someday, we will leave the ranch again!  

Until then, we are hanging out and hanging on!