Then Came Two

Liz was 15 months old when mom got pregnant again.  She needed lots of help with this pregnancy and Liz, so I stayed home much more than before.  Dad was pretty much out of the picture most of the time.  We found out later he had a girlfriend, but the deed was done.  I remember having to roll moma out of the bed because she was so huge.  

Moma was terribly sick the entire pregnancy.  She was still convinced something was terribly wrong.  Grands (dad’s parents btw) were upset with her because dad and her were on the outs, she was pregnant (again) and couldn't care for the two she had and dad had lied to them about everything going on.  She was on their 'it' list.  No help.

She had no one except Liz (a baby) and me.  Rolling her was a huge chore for an 8 year old and a 2 year old.  Mom cried, we cried, she tried rolling, we tried rolling her… it was hard, but we would finally get her up.  We all made it.  With us.  No help.

Mom went in to (full term) labor and she had to call grands to keep us girls.  Granddad made sure our father was at the hospital because, well, because they weren’t divorced and it was his baby coming, so he owed moma that, I suppose.  

The story is that dad was sitting in the waiting room and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations!  You have a BOY!"  Dad was super excited to 'finally' have a boy.  A few minutes later, a nurse comes out and says, "Congratulations!  You have a GIRL!"  

Dad was like, "NO!  You said I have a BOY!  You SAID a boy!!"  Nurse replies, "Yes, sir, you have a boy AND a girl!"  Dad faints.

And now we had twins.  Perfectly healthy, beautiful TWINS!  No, not identical, he is a BOY and she is a GIRL, not identical by any stretch of the imagination.  Lol.. people really ASK that!

Now we know why mom thought there was seriously something wring with her pregnancy!  Dad?  Yeah, he was there about 6 months if you could actually say he was there... he was in and more out.  And definitely no help.  So mom and I had 3 kiddos.  Liz, Danny and Sherry (now spelled Shari).  Mom was so overwhelmed and depressed.  Dad really did a number on her; he dogged her all the time, she had gone through all that in Colorado, now he was not paying bills here and the only thing keeping us safe was the house we lived in.  He couldn't screw it up because grands owned it.  We didn't have to move in the middle of the night, but we still had to come up with money to pay the bills.  With 3 kids.  Oh!  Four, I was still a kid, too.

I will be honest.  None of my years were easy, but these were the toughest times ever.  Before it was just me, now it was me, my brother and sisters and my mom.  This was scary.  Mom started selling Avon and Tupperware to make ends meet.  It took at lot of time away from home, but I was able to care for the kids.  We had pretty much done it together from the start.  She had taught me to change diapers, to feed and care for my brother and sisters.  I would do that while she worked.  Our little town was small so she would check on us often.

At some point, I don't really know when, she started going out with a man named John.  He started helping with the bills and she depended on him for helping with house things, repairs, etc.  The fact was, it came with a cost.  Her girls.  Of course, he lied to her and made sure she was out when he came over.  He molested me.  I can't speak for anyone else, but he said he 'loved me like a father' and did his thing.  I had always been taught to respect adults and I knew no better.  I was about 11 when he started molesting me.  Much too young and naïve and way too trusting.  It happens just like they say on TV.  He threatened to kill my mom, my siblings and my grandparents if I let them in on "our little secret."

The fact was, he was married.  He was married to my best friend's mom.  I can't tell the rest of that story either, but we became one big family.  His wife knew, but I she had lost her first husband in a shooting.  I think she needed someone to pay the bills.  So mom, Norma, John, Sharon, Jeanie and our family all became like one big family.  It was strange.  And I 'pretended' to be everyone but the person I was.  A counselor told me that I had started that early: whoever I was living with was who I tried to change to.  If they liked Fruit Loops, I liked Fruit Loops, if they loved Pizza, I loved Pizza.  So when I started being molested, I ‘became someone else’ - like a movie star… but it was my way of 'checking out' from the life I was in, which made sense, but it hurt a lot of people.  I had learned lying from my dad.  I had gotten very good at it and very good at pretending to NOT be who I truly was.  Thankfully, much later I learned lying isn't worth the grief it causes.  I backslid a few times years ago, but my heart ached.  I stopped.  

That went on for years; the relationships, the lying, the sexual abuse, the physical abuse from angry parents, and the neglect because mom just could not handle the deck she had been dealt.

  Jeanie and I were best friends, both confused, but lucky to have each other to get through that mess.  And only *we* knew the mess.  Truly, no one would ever, or could ever, understand - to this very day.  It was complicated.  Very, very complicated and way too complicated to even try to weed out and explain to counselors later.  Not at all healthy, but it was how we survived.  And we cared for the kids.  Jeanie got to go back to her home at 706 (house number), but the kids and I stayed at 813, while mom was flittering somewhere between both places.  Ultimately the kids came to think of me as more the mom, the protector and 'Sissy'.  I think I probably took over by protecting them from mom and her anger, dad and his lack of support, John and whatever he could do, and anyone else that could hurt them. 

Looking back, I think mom tried to take over, but I pushed back and she didn't fight it - she questioned her sanity because dad and grands had convinced her she was crazy.  The more she pulled away, the more I took over.  Eventually, the kids became 'mine', sadly, because Moma loved us all.  She was truly so dysfunctional thanks to all the ones that abused her.  But she cared.  She honestly did. She had no idea John was doing what he was.  She thought she could trust him and let her heart do so.  Dad had never molested us, so I am sure she never even considered that it was a possibility from another person.  She was going to Oklahoma State Tech to get her accounting degree and he was abusing us.  Conveniently scheduled around her schedule.  

It was years later, and years after John had died of a massive heart attack, that she realized what had been going on and called me crying and trying to apologize.  I wasn't open to it yet.  I hung up on her.  

Back to the kids and I.  I had no idea how to raise kids.  I was a kid that was raised in a very dysfunctional environment, but I knew how grands had raised me.  With respect, security and love.  That is what I tried to give the kids.  Still to this day,  I love them like my own, but I know they were moma's.  I know she loved us all.  She was soooo confused and felt unworthy of us.  How do people take another's self worth away?   Ask my dad, my Uncle Billy, my grandparents and even John.   Sadly, we can't.  They are all dead.

But it doesn't end here... more another day.

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I have been walking like a drunk for 4 days now.  I have no idea what causes it, but it happens every few months.  Today, I was walking, got off balance and fell.  In front of at least 15 people!  All looking at me because I was showing them something.  Lord have mercy!  I am fine, but I would sure like to know why I walk drunk.  No I don't drink anything but water and tea!  And yes, I was embarrassed.  

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