Keepin' On, Keepin' On. But How?

It has taken me a while to return - but here I am.  The EEG from you-know-where was by far one of the most difficult things I have done.  I am claustrophobic, and believe me, it was a tough few days.  Then the goup that gets in your hair is like a sandy paste, stuck for dear life, to your scalp - ground in your hair.  Getting it off was wash after wash, pulling, digging, scraping - I was flipping out.  I lost it, and just started bawling.  I am so tired of fighting battles.  This one, after being 'restrained' for 3 days, tied to wires, not being able to walk outside, with a little camera on me all the time, just about did me in.  Oh, well, I am finally over it.  Except my hair is now dryer and more brittle than ever and I have round patches of bald places from the electrodes and paste.  

Right after I get that hot mess off of my head, (1pm Sunday) I had to be at Faith Church at 5pm to help set up tables for an OHCE function that we were having Tuesday.  Monday was decorating, getting the kitchen ready and setting everything up like the stage, microphone and lights for the actual function.  Tuesday was Holidays on Parade - our scholarship fundraising deal we have every year.  We do have a lot of fun doing it, and I enjoy it a lot.  However, honestly, my body rebels big time with over 8 hours plus the previous days preps.

So, Wednesday, after the function and all the clean-up Tuesday, Steve and I packed, and took off on a bike ride with some friends for 3 days.  Day 1, on the way down, we were dodging rain the whole time.  A 4.5 hour drive ended up something like 7.5 - BUT we missed most of the rain.  We had about 15 minutes of light rain and several hours of a light misty rain.  We all had rain suits, so no one got wet, but it is kinda leery on a bike.  However, we made it fine.  

Day 2?  OMG.  I thought I was going to die.  As I have said here, I had an awful busy 6 days prior to leaving.  My body said, absolutely HELL NO WE ARE NOT DOING THIS.  I couldn't get on and off of the bike and I am sure I made an absolute fool of myself.  My determination to do it and my body saying it ain't happening were not showing my best side.  It was a very tough day.  When I finally gave in and went to bed, I rested and started day 3 off right.  We rode to the Wichita Mountains and found my grandmother's house on the wildlife refuge.  More on that later.  It was great!  The terrain there is amazing - very rocky - with HUGE boulders.  

We rode up Mt Scott, back down again and browsed around the area.  It was terrific.  I felt ok, not great, but I felt as good as I ever do.  I really enjoyed riding, laughing and visiting.  I think we have found our people.  They are all terrific.  I just hope they think the same about us.  Day 1, I am sure they were leery, but on the rest of the trip I hope they were reassured that I can do this.  

We made it home safely and, of course, I have crashed again.  I am trying to rest and catch up, but of course there was Mother's Day and this morning Punkin' asked us to come to her Roller Derby practice, so we did that as well.  Wow, was it fun!  An hour either way - which also tires me out.  What gives??

Again, how do I accept that I cannot do this?!?  I SWEAR my brain says, "Hell yeah!" and my body says, "HELL no we aren't!"  I see all these old ladies telling me all their aches and pains and I think, I can do this if they can do this!  I feel like I am letting myself get lazy - and I darned sure don't want to do that - so where does it end?  How to I tell if I am lazy or honestly cannot keep pushing?  Some days I do just want to throw in the towel - but I struggle to find footing and carry on.  And if I quit pushing, am I quitting?  Or am I salvaging what is left of my life and taking care of me?  

I don't know, I am lost.  I am tired and I am growing more weary every day.

And tomorrow I have my psychiatric evaluation to see if I am truly losing my memory or if I have something else going on.  5 hours of evaluation.  I oughta be fit to be tied at the end of it.

I go in to my Neurologist in 2 weeks to find the results of all this mess. I bet I can tell you already; everything is hunky dory - it always is fine.  No problems.  Wasted money.  But I hope for answers - like I always have.

More later on the adventures of Hogs and Gals.