Psycologist Tests Today

Thank God it is over.  

7 hours of puzzles, tests, questions, digging up my past... again... there is absolutely no way to explain it.  "Why?"  I try.  "Wait!  What?"  I try... "I am confused".  I try.  "Wait, I don't understand - weren't?"  I try.  "Wasn't that?"  I try.  "Who did that?"  I try?  "Didn't you say this?"  That was then, then... I try.  "Wait, I am confused"... I try.  "You raised who?" I try.  "They weren' yours?"  I try.  "Who's were they?"  I try... "Why did that happen?"  I try.  "How did that turn out?"  I try.  "When was this?"  I try.  Jesus, it is difficult every freaking time I try to explain but there are so may twists and turns in my life it hurts to try to unweave them... again... and yes, it even confuses me. Did I have 2 kids?  Or 5?  Or 9?  or 14?  And how did that happen?  But what does this have to do with my brain, my fatigue and my memory?  I don't want to remember this crap again... and again.  I have moved forward.  Let me leave it behind.

Then he started asking why I think I am sick all the time, how much do I think I am sick, how truly sick am I, what can I do to get better, how do I get appointments to the Dr, do I call the Drs and tell them I am sick, or do I just go to follow-up appointments, do I feel sick all the time, when was the last time I thought I was well, why do I think I was never well, what Dr prescribed Adderall, why did they describe Adderall, who thought I needed Adderall, how often do I take Adderall, is that the only drug I take to 'ease' my fatigue?  Then do I drink, how much do I drink, how often do I drink, why do I not drink, don't I drink with my husband, do I drink with friends, do I drink with family, do I drink when I am alone, do I drink when I am working, do I drink without telling anyone, do I drink when I am sad, do I drink when I cannot handle my problems, do I cry, why do I cry, when do I cry, how long do I cry, does anyone see me cry, why can't I cry, why does crying mean you are weak....  OMG.  STOP!

You get the idea... it was a crazy and exhausting 7 hours.  I despise Drs acting like not ever drinking is a lie.  I hate that Drs think not ever turning to drugs is a lie.  There was a point in my life that I decided that there was enough BS going on in my life that I wasn't going to allow one more thing destroy me by my choice.  I never smoked, I never drank, I never was promiscuous and I was never a troublemaker.  I did everything possible to blend in and not be noticed.  I was honestly a stick in the mud, dug in and was not doing THAT.  And I didn't.  Don't act like I am lying about it - because I am not.

I hate Drs thinking I am a hypochondriac dreaming up illnesses to be sick with.  I don't WANT to be sick, but the fact of my life is that I AM sick.  100% of the time.  I try to be ok, I try to feel good, I try to be upbeat, but damnit, I am tired of the layers of exhaustion, brain fog, pain, lack of give a damn and energy.  More often than not, I am just trying to keep my feet in a forward motion and it takes too much concentration to look beyond the tip of my toe.  I often feel guilty about not being happy-go-lucky, smiling all the time - and I am aware that I am continuously withdrawing.  My husband has to deal with it all and as hard as I try to be positive, I fail miserably.  When I am with him, I don't have to be strong - he can be my strength - but, it isn't fair to him either and I am well aware of that.  I just do not see an out, one that helps us both.

Have I ever thought about suicide?  No.  Have I ever thought about just giving up and letting myself fall into a grave?  Absolutely.  Then I think of my sweet hubby, our kids, my family, the flowers, the grand kids, the travels - all the wonderful things God has given me... and I start putting one foot in front of the other again.  

Today has been a whirlwind of being apprehensive, thoughtful, confused, tired, angry, exhausted, dumbfounded, pissed, and just done moments.  Over done is more like it.  I don't want to 'go back', I don't want to try to convince another idiot that I am truly sick, that I never smoked or drank, I don't want to try to remember every freaking detail that led to 'that' and I don't want you to question the Drs that actually know my diagnosis and know ME.   And I certainly don’t give a rat’s last that you think my list of illnesses is a “trophy list”!  😡

I am proud to say that not one of the Drs that know me is less than amazed that I continuously carry on despite my odds.  They do not have any idea how I can do it, but they tell me I am truly a miracle.  I just tell them God isn't finished with me.

I drove an hour to the phycologist, I was in his office 7 hours with no rest and no lunch, I drove another hour home, I slept for 4.5 hours, walked outside to try to weed in my garden, got so fatigued I came in, ate a burrito, wrote this, and now, at 10:30 I am going to bed.

That was my day. All the 'brain' testing is done.  Now we wait 2 weeks to see what they say.  

And I will try to recuperate from the last week of Holidays on Parade, bike trip, testing and Mother's Day activities.  Maybe I will allow myself to rest and finish a quilt.

That is all folks.  I promise to get off this rant, because, I would rather talk about some fun stuff.  I have promised myself and friends to document how exhausting this life can be.  Primary Immunodeficiency, for us, is no joke. Absolutely no help in the medical world is exhausting.  We have to stick together, because it is truly just a handful of US.  Someday, maybe the world will look back at us and see that we were truly dragon slayers.