In Singapore and Homesick as Hell... It's an Old Post...

A blast from the past that didn't get posted... probably because I didn't want others to see my pain, but today I don't mind.  There were difficult days being away from home and this is one of them...  Dated October 16, 2008:

My computer is still acting weird and I cannot get these lines out of my blog no matter what I do; not in blogger, not in Word and not in Outlook - sorry for the inconvenience of reading with lines, pictures in random places and odd colors I am tired of worrying about it. I am going to post this now and edit tomorrow if I can.

Expat I am, but I admit not willingly. I am honestly trying - I do see good in everything possible most of the time, but some days it is more difficult than others. Today is one of those days.

On the weekends in the states we always looked forward to with anticipation - where we’re going to go for the day and what were we going to BBQ on Sunday? Who would show up unannounced? We looked forward to the 'drop ins'. Steph’s, Jeremy’s and our friends showed up because they knew BBQ or plenty of good food was on the menu they knew that door swung open for them with open arms and laughter waiting.

My mood lately sucks. I guess I am homesick to the core. I don't think I was made to be an expat. Some people graciously fall in to that place and do so with so much grace that I feel 'out of place' to be a part of such a great group of people. I wish I had it in me to adore every morsel of where I live and the circumstances surrounding our expat life. I wish I could embrace every single moment I am in every place we get to explore. While I do enjoy the change and adventures of getting to know the new place, I never want it to be permanently - heck, not even semi permanently.

Vacations are wonderful - but you know how it is always nice to go home at the end of them? That is right where I am. I know I should feel blessed to be 'living in paradise' but I don't feel that way. I feel isolated from my natural world.

The fact is I don't feel 'blessed' to be away from my children and grandchildren, my car and my backyard, or away from our family or my friends or my home or heck, even my country. I don't feel the need to live a life of paradise or the life of an expat - I was completely content living in the modest home we have with weekends filled with family, laughter, bbq's, good food and giggles and tickles. I miss cooking for our daughter and her cooking for us. I miss our guys fighting over the checks, I miss my Saturday night 'manicures' with our granddaughter, her McDonald's distress calls and I miss her sleeping on papa's pillow just to make him come tickle her.

I miss my pots and pans, my own kitchen utensils, my pictures, my tv shows at a click when *I* want them, and I miss Steph, Jeremy, Liz and Shari calling me just because it was their daytime and my daytime all at the same time.

I miss Tampico dates, women wars (she knows who she is) and not having to fight for a prescription refill. I miss my Friday morning hen session, my Bible and I miss grands’ secretary that I can touch and feel generations of love flowing through. I miss cuddling up in Steve's recliner and watching tv because I can. I miss the pillow fights, the water gun wars (loved the reminder yesterday – sorry if I scared you. I know you have never seen that side of me), the occasional camping and I miss just LOOKING at my camper when we can't camp. I miss my cat, our patio, my porch swing and the swing. I miss our chiminea, sitting outside and chatting in the heat while watching our chiminea fires and marshmallows roasting over that fire, and I miss my darned pillow!

I miss my scrap room to putter around in when no one is home - and going to my daughters to collect my 'missing' loot. No I cannot pick this up and bring it here - how in the world would I chose what is important enough to bring? I NEED it ALL! If you scrapbook - you know what I mean.

I am not sure anyone can wrap their mind around my homesickness or if anyone even has an interest to understand. Every expat gets homesick - I understand that. Most, in the same instance, can look around a room full of their very own belongings that they moved from their previous home and know that home is now here for them - and it is all with them. My home is still living in Louisiana. *I* live here. *Steve* lives here - but the stuff that makes our home what it is - well, it is not here - it is right where it belongs.
I feel like I was plopped on to another planet and the rest of the world expects me to be absolutely thrilled that I am living on an exotic island and in a beautiful condo half way around the world with an outstanding view - and I should just shut up and be content. What is not as obvious is that we can't even get in a freaking car and go for a drive around the block! THAT is not fun, romantic or living in luxury. 

It is on vacation in a far away land, staying in a nice hotel with a great view, with only taxi's to take you to do all your sightseeing, grocery shopping and visiting. We cannot even rent a car here :-(

It. Is. Not. Fun. The vacation is over. Don't get me wrong, there are many times of great fun; we still have lots of laughter and love the new friends we have made - and yes, there are good times. The homesickness gets me most during the week when Steve is working, or when I don't have something to occupy my time – like today. Steve is busy typing out his crawfish boiling technique so the family can do it at home without the ‘pro’.
I dearly love the friends I have made here. 

I thank you Pam and Sarah for trying to understand and for making me as comfy as possible in this new life. I love you both and I love going out with you to the shows, shopping, and eating lunch out. I am sure you are sick of my lack of... belonging, and I hope I don't bring you down - I hope I am cheerful when we are together; I surely try to be. I love you both and thank you so much for making it easier on me – I cannot imagine not having you to be there for me. I hope the lack of interest you see here does not always show – and it is not always as bad as it is today. You truly do make my life easier.

With all of this having been said, I have showed you a few pictures of what I miss about south Louisiana. Of course I miss everyone else that I can get in a car to drive or easily fly to see; but of all of it, home would make it all better. I hope you can feel the love I so desperately miss – and most of all I hope you understand today is just a homesick day and a way of life I would not chose to live, but a way of life we must live. It is not bad, expat living is just not for me.

My rant is over - tomorrow I will be waking to new sunshine and all will once again be right in my world.