Coming Home

We made it!  What a horrible, long, miserable trip, 29 hour trip - but we are back.

Walking in our house, I expected to breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy our 'new' place.  We left in such a rush that we didn't really get to relish the fact that our house was indeed remodeled and enjoy the newness of it.  In fact, it is so new that it still smells of all the new paint, varnish and appliances.  It didn't quite happen that way.


Walking in, our house echoes of its loneliness.  There is a bare minimum of furniture here - and nothing to make it sound like home anymore.  It simply echoes.  Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful, but it is no longer our home.  It is indeed someone else's - but they have not found it yet.  All of our precious 'stuff' is still in storage, and this is still just a shell of what it used to be.  The laughter is not the same and the warmth is simply not here.  And the reality is, I don't feel at home anywhere now.  It is a sad and unnerving feeling.  I have not felt this way in many, many years - and certainly not since I have been with Steve.  How do people live like this?


From this point on - this is nothing but a huge rant - you may want to check out now... 


On the divider a large stack of mail greeted me.  In the mail box another huge amount of mail greeted me.  I have done my best to pay the bills blindfolded online.  I *thought* I had it under control.  Yesterday, I was merely trying to survive the trip so I didn't touch either pile.  Finally, last night, after collecting the last basket of mail from our daughter's house, I got busy.  The first stack on the divider greeted me with a cut off notice of the water bill.  The FINAL CUTOFF NOTICE (marked in big letters) on the notice was December 5th - obviously past.  Never, in all the years I have been married has that happened.  I have a knot build in my tummy - the water office is closed and I cannot get it straight with them first thing in the morning because I will be at the Dr over an hour away.  So will we have water tomorrow night?  


I dunno.  


Digging through my billpay online, I find that I did pay the actual amount in October, but in November, in desperation, I paid $100 because no one had let me know what my bill is and Steph, who normally catches the ooopies was in Singapore.  Thinking it was in her stack of mail, I realized there was no one home to check.  Our bills always run between $40-$50 so I thought that the $100 would be plenty.  Not so.  The November bill, when I found it was $111.73 and the cut off bill is another $100+.  If I only sent $100 in, then we still owe hugely - hence the cutoff notice.  Now all of this is going some where.  


I am a responsible person, but if I cannot see it, I cannot pay it.  If I have to stay up until midnight to call the source from Singapore - it won't happen.  I am long asleep by that time - and if I was awake I wouldn't be coherent enough to figure it all out.  So I depend on those that stay here to let me know if they notice something awry. 


The bill that had the cut off date was on the top of the stack on the divider.  Not in the midst of the stack but on the very, very top  :-(   A red bill with FINAL CUTOFF NOTICE on top of the mail stack should be a red flag... no?  It did not get mentioned, paid or even noticed I suppose.  Am I upset?  Yep.  No one is paying a cent to stay in our house.  Not one red cent.  We are paying all the bills - or not - in this case.  Yes, yes, I KNOW they are doing US a favor, but darn it - give me a freaking break.  Don't let our utilities get cut off please?  I don't even like paying LATE payments.  Flip through the mail that was not supposed to even be coming here!  (That should have been their first clue something was amiss) 


Let me back up a bit.  The night we come in, we are dead beat.  I had e-mailed ahead and asked all the parties living here for a few things to be in the house when I came home.  It was.  Exactly what we asked was here.  I really appreciate that - but here is the kicker - I didn't ask for Dove soap.  Heck when we got here, I didn't have ANY soap.  I left with 8 bars here.  The receipt is here even, so I know I did buy it and it was not a dream.  Did I have soap when I came home?  Nada.  The bathrooms were bone dry.  I wanted a shower. We were 29 hours in transit.  I wanted a shower.  My car is locked in the shop, no battery.  I would have had to walk to Wal-Mart at 2am to get soap.  I didn't.


I didn't ask for toilet paper either.  I had bought the HUGE pack of Charmin 3 days before I left.  Did we have toilet paper?  Just the teeny bit on the roll in each bathroom.  Enough for not 'dripping dry' so to say.  I did find out later that some (2 rolls) had been placed in a door, not where I put it, but I hadn't looked in the right place.  Never mind someone knew where to find the 20+ rolls they had used - yes I had bought the HUGE 24 pack (it is on the same receipt) - but they didn't know where to replace those two rolls - one in each bathroom would have been handy...  So I did have toilet paper - I just needed to know where to look.


I know, no one uses this stuff - I have been told that in no uncertain terms.  One uses their own body wash and the other brings their own soap.  


Then.  Please.  Quit.  Giving.  Our.  Stuff.  Away.  Or.  Letting.  Your.  Friends.  Stay.  Here.  Or.  Letting.  Them.  Take.  It.  Away.  


That is the only way this stuff got used because neither party used it, right?  I know that is not what happened, and I know neither party is single handedly guilty - or not guilty!  Is it too difficult to buy more when they see it has been used?  Or call me and tell me my water is getting turned off if I don't pay?  Does everyone honestly think I can see those bills from Singapore?  Someone brought them in.  Someone HAD to see it - it was on top of the pile!  And please don't make me remember to say, "I need toilet paper and soap."  Aren't those bare necessities in anyone's house?


Before I left, our new toilet ran after I flushed it and I let everyone know that.  With a water bill like that it did run while we were gone.  I thought it would get better as it was new.  It didn't happen and apparently ran.  And ran.  And ran.  Hence the over $100 water bill three months straight.  In a dozen times of flushing since I have been home - it has continued to run a dozen times.  It is not fixed.  Our water bill is huge and not paid now  :-(  


And it is getting turned off.


I guess what I am saying is that it is time to sell the house.  We don't live here and it no longer even 'feels' like our home.  No one cares if the bills get paid - or if our name gets tarnished if they don't, or if our mail gets brought in, or if it doesn't.  It is time for us to quit depending on others to take care of our business.  We don't need to pay the house note simply for a dream to come home - or as it is for others to enjoy; we don't need to pay the utilities for others to use, we don't need to pay the cable bill so others can lounge and (not) watch tv, or pay the internet bill so others can check business e-mail or game, and we don't need to pay the phone bill to keep the number we have had since the beginning of time (Rod R, I am thinking of you right now - you found us when no one else tried) or pay the insurance so our nothings are insured - they aren't even here!  We don't need to put groceries in the house every time we come home to go to waste when we leave and we certainly don't need to pay the lawn guy to mow a yard we seldom get to enjoy.  


I am 10,000 miles away and I can't do it all.  The realization has slapped me in the face.


Our house needs to sell.  I feel used.  I feel beaten.  I am angry.  I am super sad.  I am overwhelmed.  I am done.  I sit here re-reading this with my jaw hanging open.  Is it really too much to ask?  And yes, I am tired.  3 years of keeping up and trying to make it stay peaceful and keep everyone happy is no longer working.  I am done.  No, we don't owe any one anything - nor do they owe us.  It needs to get over as soon as it can for all of us.


Yeah, I guess it is too much to hope for coming home and actually getting to move back into our beautiful house - which has honestly been in the back of my mind for quite some time.  I have learned to appreciate the small things that I didn't appreciate before.  Living close to one of my grandkids was nice.  I had pretty much decided I love where we live in the states - we just needed to get back to it.  I love this house now that it is all fixed up.  It is breathtakingly beautiful! With our belongings back in it, it could easily go right back to being our home.


Now, I realize I can't keep trying to keep up with our home here and our home there.  There is no end in sight for our dilemma.  I just need to let it go and quit trying to make it back.  It hurts too much in too many ways.  It breaks my heart every return trip, so I just need to let it go and try to get through the mess we are in.  Getting through Singapore is difficult enough (HELL yes it is difficult)  (HELL yes it is amazing)  (but it is still DIFFICULT folks!) without having to deal with getting our utilities turned off here.


So coming home was not all it was cracked up to be.  It again has been an emotional roller coaster.  I am tired of amusement park rides that I get no enjoyment out of.  I am a foreigner in my own land.  My island is on the other side of the world - but it is not my country.  My country is here but it can't keep track of me, and our home is now a super free vacation resort for others.  


This house is a shell of what it once was and obviously a thorn in every one's side.  It is not our home; it is other people's problem to deal with.  I need to get over it and get on with it.  I cannot make it right again and I cannot be all things to all people and I can not pay my utilities if I have to depend on others to see the bill.


I want my house, my stuff, my friends, my family, my scrapbooks and my life back.  I am so done with this life.  So very done.  I am ready to be in charge of my own life again - and in possession of everything I love and miss.  I want to caress my precious belongings, sit for hours and relive our memories with my scrap booking and pay my own bills in a timely manner, know it is getting done and that I can take a shower tonight and not worry about that water getting turned off while I am at the Drs office.  


And I want to eat USDA beef every freaking day if I want it.


*rant over*


Complete physical in 4 hours.  Wish me luck.  Maybe my blood pressure will be back to normal by then... lol...