If Only I Weren't An Expat...

This is a very heart-felt emotional blog - if death and tears are not in your day today, please move on...

Again, I tossed and turned last night - but it was not from exhaustion, it was from fighting a deep need to hop on a plane and race back to the states to be with a loved one. My sister lost a very good friend yesterday. Shela was only 33 and went to bed to never wake again. She had a history of heart problems and they suspect that she passed away due to health issues. She leaves behind a hubby, two children, 5 & 9, and a dear friend - my sister.

I know that others do not feel a need to be there for loved ones when someone passes away, but I am one of those that feel the need. I am not there for just the one that passed away, but for those left behind to struggle through the 'what ifs', 'if onlys' and 'I wishes'. I want to be there to hold and hug those hurting so deeply that the living can only try to fill the voids - but they are there to try.

People pass away every day, but once they are gone, they are beyond the struggles of life - they pass into the beauty of peace that we can only dream about. Behind are the ones left empty without their presence - broken with no place to go. Behind are the loved ones that will miss the connections shared with those that have passed away. Behind are those struggling to fill the void that has been left and help answer the questions of how and why to go on.

It is the living that can help heal those wounds and nurture the flesh of those that remain - to talk with, cry with and laugh with - to share the memories of what once was... to hug in times of deep sorrow and shed tears with others that loved the same soul that has since passed. It is the living that can help mold the mind around what will never again be, what must be done to carry on and to take the hands of those left and lead them until they can see past the tears and pain to begin putting one foot in front of the other again. It is the living that can lead the lost and broken.

Today is one of those days. I am half a world away from my sister whom I want to hold and hug because she has lost a dear friend. I want to lend a shoulder to lean on as she tries to finagle her way through this maze of life and death; struggling with her own loss and at the same time helping Shela's family find a balance of living without their mom and wife.

I just want to hug my sister and help carry her burden of pain. I am so sorry Shela is no longer with us. I can see her telling Liz that the bread pan she hasn't returned is the least of her worries - God is supplying her with plenty of bread. I can see her saying shopping isn't in her plans today - she has a huge garden to tend to. I can hear her laughing and saying she just might be a bit late to worship.

But I can't help my sister see Shela off. Being so far away is part of what makes expat life so difficult. It is not ok that my sister doesn't have me to help her through this. I can't jump in the car to be there for her, to drive her to where she needs to go because she can't see through the tears, to offer a shoulder to hold on to until she can find her own balance. I wish I could hug you sis - I would carry you through this. If only I weren't an expat - I would be there.

May you rest in peace, Shela - and may your family find their footing with you embracing them all the way. May your hubby learn to eat his own cooking, and may your children always remember your guidance in the difficult years ahead - and it is ok that you will be late to worship; God knows why you are not there.

Until later, Shela...

If only I weren't an expat, I would be in Oklahoma...