Last night, I came in from our trip to Texas. I cannot put a finger on it, but I am unsettled. I have tried to figue out why. I had a great time. I enjoyed my time with my sister. I needed a break from this hell hole. I loved looking at the scenery. I loved visiting wiht John's family. I am not sure what it is. God knew I needed peace. Looking back in my rearview mirror as I left my adventure behind, I saw the sunset scene from a few posts back. I relaxed a bit and came home.
I kept getting more and more unsettled, aggitated, and I don't know why. Was I expecting something else? Was I needing to talk with John without interuptions? Did I need quality time instead of sharing time with my sister? Sometimes I feel like we don't connect - like I say something and she raises her voice and gets defensive, then I do the same. I am not sure what is going on, but I did not feel 'right' or 'at peace'. I do know the more I find out about my family, the more disturbed I get at things that happened. Maybe I just needed to put more pieces of the puzzle together with John and we didn't get the chance. Maybe I am frustrated that there is no one to help me put them together. I don't know. I cannot answer everything and unfortunately, I didn't ask when there were people alive TO ask.
Steve came in, ate, drank one beer and fell into a deep sleep. The stress of this job is eating his lunch. I try to make conversation with him and he gets 'aggitated' for lack of a better word. I think that he just does not feel like talking about it, but it still makes me feel excluded. I want to KNOW if he is working through the problems this unit is giving him - KNOW that things are turning around for him. I decided last night we just won't discuss it. Again, I am out of that loop.
Lastly, about midnight I heard Steve rustling around. When I went to check on him, he was definitely not ok. I tried to figure out what to do, tried to figure out if it was a medical emergency (like the last time I struggled with this), but when he could finally talk, he was just able to say he was ok and I did not need to call an ambulance. I think the stress is getting to him. I worry.
I... Sit... In... This... Tiny... Apartment... And... Worry...
So, I am not discussing it with anyone except these stupid pages I write.
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