Oh the Things I Could Do!

Chronic pain is a part of me.  I live with it but I don't thrive with it.

There are now two sides of me: The side that can no longer take a single moment more of the misery pain brings, the kind of pain that demands to be felt, that leaves you wailing inside, stoic on the outside… And then there is the side of me that knows this cannot - and will not - be how my story ends.

You look at me and see the smile on my face, the smile that so easily hides the lady that’s inside; the lady who feels hopeless, lost and completely broken down. On occasion, there are still moments where the old me surfaces…the overly determined and ambitious type A personality I used to be. The one with the deep need to prove herself, to push herself past her limits and achieve what people don’t believe her capable of.

But these days I see her less and less.

Days fade and bleed into one another; my life swiftly passing by. Some days I can function, others I have to give in to the pain, put life on hold and let my body reboot. I resent those moments. I resent those days. God made me to be full speed ahead; pain makes me pause. If it isn't the chronic sinus infection, it is lupus... or fibro... or something else... or all of the above... but it is always pain.

Years ago, I woke one day pain free. I cannot remember a day prior to this day nor a day since that day of being pain free. I asked Steve if that is the way I was supposed to feel... He just stared at me.

I don't think anyone without chronic pain understands those of us with chronic pain. Bumps on the road hurt us - even little ones. They are approach them with no thought at all. We cringe when we see them coming, brace for the painful impact and cry out when it bolts through us. Oblivious to us,  they barrel through life without a care in the world.

A drop of water on a stone does no damage, but constant dripping eventually erodes and changes the shape of the stone forever. That is what pain has done to me; it has worn me down and changed me forever. That is what people without chronic pain do not understand; it eats away at us day after day, month after month, year after year until you wonder if this is all there is left of you. It strips your smiles, your goals, your happy dreams and your will to thrive. It has left a void that cannot be filled - one that makes me angry, desolate, reminiscent  and longing for "Oh! The things I could do..."

If only I were pain free.

Just Call Me Absent...

I have once again been absent... but there are reasons... and I am not permanently gone, just pausing...

I haven't been well. This sinus infection gets me down. I always have it, but it is in different stages of how bad.  Lately, I guess with spring we are in the icky stage... 

I had blood work done last Tuesday.  Thursday, my sinus infection took a turn to a sick sinus infection... Friday, thinking ahead for the holiday weekend, I called my nurse asking for a change in antibiotics.  Little did I know how that would change my weekend plans.  I was admitted to the hospital!  Dr Carey decided that one year of constant antibiotics had not worked so we should do IV antibiotics.  I tried to put him off  until Tuesday, but it was a no-go.  "Dr wants you at the hospital tomorrow morning."  "How long will I be there?"  "Plan on a week at least." "!!! GULP !!!"

Here I am!  I have 2 different antibiotics running into my IV's, just rotating out.  I am taking one by mouth.  I am getting iron (I am anemic) and potassium.  And I am stuck in a hospital room at least one week.

He told me yesterday they will put a PICC line in for long term (at least 2 weeks) of IV antibiotics.  Depending on how I tolerate them, he will determine when I get to go home.  The nurses assure me not to get my hopes up for short term;  Dr Carey's patients get long visits due to their immunodeficiencies.  I am on the cancer ward.  Cancer patients take chemo which lowers their immunities.  I am in isolation.  People who come in have to have masks on.  I don't see faces - just eyes... and I cannot have fresh fruits and veggies.  Do you know how much that sucks?  I LOVE fresh fruits and veggies!

I am not going to lie - I am a little unnerved.  My immunodeficient friends say this is common - to get used to it.  How in the world can I get used to this? And I DON'T WANNA!!

I want to go back to oblivious... not knowing what I am facing... what could happen... what could likely be my demise... I want to go back to my old, fast, amazing, busy, adventurous and fun life.

I want to be absent minded about my health.

I just want to be absent in this whole process.

What do you think God has in mind for me?  I like to try (!) to figure this out... So far, for nearly everything that has happened in my life, God has led me to the reason it did... so could I be a find for the cure for someone's illness someday?  Who knows?

I just know God is not finished molding me yet because I still grace His earth.  I am not absent.

So here I am!  You might see a lot of me.  I have plenty of isolation time.  I might find my way here more often, absentmindedly posting about sweet nothings going on in my life.  

Thanksgiving Holidays

Finally the last 'draft' post in my blog that didn't get posted... and I have them all out now.  They were too good to toss out, so now they are all posted.  Brought back a lot of sweet, sweet memories.  Thanks for putting up with them.  This one is dated 11/29/2010:

What did we do for Thanksgiving?  We missed Todd of course  :-(

But we were brave and we made the best of it.  We smoked turkey in our own smoker:

The dogs monitored it closely:

But regardless of their interest, we still had a turkey left when the time was done:

Steph made yummy home-made rolls:

Punking and I cut veggies:

She cut a lot by herself:

And she had all 10 fingers left when she was finished!  She used every one of them to fold napkins and set the table:

We decorated the tree:

We reminisced about the special ornaments:

It Is Official!

Another blast from the past.  This is in my 'drafts' folder and I am going to share it because it has some great memories.  Throw back Thursdays...  The date is 10/12/2010

It is with bittersweet feelings that I can now announce that Steve and I will be moving back to the states permanently by the beginning of November.  We are both excited and sad - understandable since we love this little country and have met so many people we love even more.  We have had a great, humbling experience here - one that has changed our lives forever and that we are forever grateful for.

So in answer to some of your questions, yes I have been collecting treasures so we can take them home with us.  It has been a rather amusing experience - apparently all expats know when you are frantically shopping it means you 'have received the notice"!  I am sorry I could not directly say it was true, but you knew, didn't  you?  Lol... indeed we had an idea it was coming, but we had no idea it would be that quick.  

As of yet, we have no idea where we are going in the good ol' US of A, but we know we are going back to the states.  There are several possibilities right now, but no definites.  We do know we are leaving for sure by the first week in November and possibly sooner.  So if you see a whirlwind of activity around you in all the common shopping areas, you will know to look for us!  We will also be hitting the "Must Sees" that we have missed - can you believe we have missed some?  We need to see the sky park at Marina Bay Sands, the Equinox (Kim's suggestion), the gothic batman building (Parkview Square), try to see the wine fairy and a couple of minor things...

I will blog more later.  I am trying to sew today, do my laundry, ironing, sorting and trying to find a place to put our treasures so the packing company can come and collect our loot to move to the states.  I hope you are not disappointed; I will keep up with this through our future travels and adventures.  As I get through my pictures, I will post more about Singapore as well - I still have tons I have not had time to post about.  It has been such a great adventure!  I will always blog about what is going on in my life and where we go.  Life is good no matter where God puts us.

Here are a few of my favorite things I was looking at yesterday...

I love these guys  :-)  Sure gonna miss them, but I will be ok - I have pictures and the pictures will last forever.

Just a Few Thoughts for Today

Here is a laugh... I was going through my 'drafts' and this one was there.  Apparently I never posted it while living in Singapore... 

Living here I have noticed a few things, and there are other things I am getting used to:

Fahrenheit vs Centigrade. Yikes. I have a long ways to go there. Steve says multiply by: and I hear blanglkgniohgiohyaghagt. He is incredible! He made me a chart so I know where to set our air conditioners.

My taxi driver was going 120! What is THAT in MPH?

Cenitmeters vs inches - yay for my tape measure :-)

The people in Singapore are so very friendly here. I have yet to find a rude person - well, the other taxi drivers that run us off the road might be considered - but we are safely in the other taxi...

Our bed. We have a fitted sheet, but there is no flat sheet on the island to be sold. So here is the Singapore alternative: Make a comforter and make them all white. Make slipcovers for them to match the bottom fitted sheet. Make it snap at the bottom, Slip the sheet slipcover over the comforter and toss it on the bed. Flat sheet and comforter - that is our bedding. I just take the slipcover off and wash it. Now I don't think this is a half bad idea, if I want a beachy room today I can have beachy. If I want an asian room, I can have asian - just by changing my bedding.

My printer paper is size A4 Steve says. I know it is longer and narrower than the paper in the US.

There are no greeting cards to be found. Happy Birthday everyone - if you want me to send you a card, pick it out and mail it to me ;-) I promise to send it back with a Sing postmark and my autograph - complete with a friendly note from me.

Stationary? Yeah, consider that a no go as well - cannot find anything but computer paper here - darn, if I just had some stamps and ink...