Monday, October 9, 2017

Same, Same, but Different Day

A soul baring day.  I am sick. Sick of the constant headache, sick of the sinus infection that gives it to me, sick of the tenderness in my chest from the Power Port, sick of being sick all the flipping time, sick of not being able to enjoy a weekend out, sick of the medical bills and sick of being in the position I am in with no future without it.  I am just done.  I have been struggling for weeks.

The sudden 10 day hospital stay was the beginning, then the at home IV antibiotics for another week.  After that the IgG infusion request to the insurance with the immediate confirmation I needed it.  A week later, I started the infusions; every 28 days, 6+ hours, in the Drs office... getting liquid gold.  Every drip I see $$$$ going into my veins.  I start getting ready for the infusion 4 days early drinking crap I don't want; V-8, sugar free Powerade, 100+ oz of water every day for 4 days.  Then after the infusion a week of who knows what kind of side effects. 

No stress?  Ha!  Try getting these bills and figuring out how to pay them.  Sick of that as well.  

I KNOW people have it worse than me.  I know that.  I keep telling myself (and everyone else reminds me... you know, friends...) that I am lucky and people have worse things.  My 'friend' reminded me her daughter had ovarian cancer and *never* complained.  God cured her.  I should be grateful, but for now, I just need to figure out how to wrap my mind around this life; this life that keeps changing, this solid chunk of metal in my chest, this plastic tubing snaking up and over my collar bone; reality striking me from every which way again and again.  I am over it.  I am sick of it.  I want to be well.

But I can't.  I will never be well.

That sucks.

And all of this started because I went to my 40th High School Reunion and enjoyed it.  Now I am paying for it.  More on the reunion later.  Going back to bed for now.  

Tomorrow will be better.  This blog is about my reality.  I have lots of good days, but the bad days really suck rocks.

Singapore Memory Project