Looking In The Rear View Mirror

I don't really feel much like writing today - Let's just say I am down in the dumps. 

We are having some (extended) family issues that have me really bummed.  I am sure it will all work out in the wash, but having to tippy-toe through the muck, cover your ass and ignore those I love to get out of 'dodge' is getting to me... defending myself constantly has gotten on my last nerve.  Those people weave these tangled webs and then try to 'catch' me in their web of lies and deceit.  Some of them always watching for me to make a misstep so I can be accused of something I did or didn't do, having 'witnesses' to back them up and 'tattletales' to race back to them with my supposed wrong doings... let's just say, it gets very, very old.

It is one thing if you are not happy in your own little world, but why, oh, why is it necessary to try to bring my happy little corner of the world down with you?

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. My mom died at 61 years old.  My dad died at 62.  I am 55. Now, granted, I am not doomed to living just after my 60's, but the reality is do I really want to waste the rest of my time defending every breath to people trying to destroy me?

I think not.

And so I have had to come to a harsh realization; if I want to live in peace, no matter how much I love those people, I need to step away and know that it can be their choice to live in upheaval and turmoil; but it doesn't have to be mine. It may be their choice to chose a path of deception and crucifixion; but just because they chose it doesn't mean I need to be the subject of their destruction.

And so with this realization, I have had a lot of food for thought.  Days and days of thought, hours and hours of contemplating have led me to one realization; that if I only live to be as old as my mom, I have about 5.5 more years... and yes, I know I am not guaranteed another moment, but I am thinking of the 'what-ifs'.  So, 'what if' I only have 5.5 more years... what would I choose?

I would choose to live it in utter peace and harmony.

For once, I am thinking of me and those that are always and forever there for me; lifting me up, gently correcting me when I am wrong, and seeing the good in me - and mostly choosing to overlook my faults, choosing to love me unconditionally and truly forgive me when I do screw up.

I believe I am worth that. I don't want to live one more minute with this constant bickering just because the word 'family' is part of the equation.  

Life, no matter how long, is just too short to live constantly dodging 'bullets', always feeling like others want to see you hurt, to fail, to be at fault.  

And what is worse, they seem to always be able to bring me down to their level of wallowing... reasoning, begging forgiveness... and I absolutely hate that.  Because *I* am not always the one that is wrong.

That is not love.

I read a statement last week that says it all:  "Bitterness is like acid, it destroys its own container first." 

I think I may be on to something... 


I do have a happy life, however - and apparently that isn't acceptable.


Looking back, it has been this way for years.

Looking forward I just don't need this heartache.

Life is just too short to lose another breath to this nonsense.


So many choices.

So very difficult.

So sad.