Another Horrible Loss for Our Family

Two weeks ago, dad was doing ok.

Yesterday, he died. My step-dad had pneumonia last month and seemed to be doing better. The pneumonia was cleared up, he was sent home from the hospital and doing better, but he was weak. However, he took a drastic turn downward and he was so stinking weak he couldn't move. After having back, knee, hip and cataract surgery in the last few years it is no wonder. However, he was ok a couple of weeks ago, but now he is gone.

I am not sure how I feel about losing him. Oh, I am sad he is gone, don't get me wrong. Very sad indeed. But I have been struggling with his death. It is like the end of an era - he is the last ties to moma, I guess, and he is my last parent. Dad was not my real father - in fact, mom and him got married after Steve and I got married, but even though he was my step-dad, he was still a very real part of our family and has been for years.

Just before moma died, Liz went to live with her and stayed on to care for dad after mom died.  She has been living with and caring for him for 11 years; Drs visits, hospital stays, surgery's, filling meds; you name it she has been there. She was faithful to him until the end, promising him he would never go to a nursing home, but that he could stay at home until his dying day - and he did.

I guess that is one of the reasons I feel like I don't have a 'right' to feel the way I do - but I don't know how to explain what I do feel. I guess I feel like he is Liz's dad more than mine, and his kids come next and somewhere way down the line comes me.

David made my mom happy. Mom had never been truly happy until she met David. I loved David because he loved mom unconditionally and she deserved that. They both whined about this or that but the other was there to console and cater to whoever was down at the time. I was always happy that moma had David and glad that they found each other. Dad died 10 years and 10 days after mom died.

David was a farm boy.  He was raised on a farm with lots of siblings.  He was a simple man; it didn't take much to make him happy - take him fishin' and he was a happy camper.  He was also a talkative guy.  Oh boy, was he talkative!  Moma used to call just to hear someone else's voice and I used to say things on my end to make her laugh and he was justa ramblin' in the background. Todd talks about the time he was polite for 5 minutes to let dad finish his conversation (with himself) and Todd finally gave up and used the saw to cut boards. Dad was still talking 15 minutes later when he turned the saw off - having never missed a beat and not even realizing Todd had not heard a word he said while he was sawing.  Oh, yes, dad was a talker... lol... and I say that fondly.  I will miss those ramblings...

David's funeral is Wednesday, January 16th. This will be a tough week. I am staying here at my house for the most part - a bit over an hour from where David lived. I have gone down to be with my sister, but she is surrounded with people who love her; Jaci, Megan, Robyn, the preacher and his wife and David's family. The house is tiny and I am not sure what I am supposed to do anyway. I feel lost. I come home and still feel like I need to be there, but when I am there, I am, once again, lost. Weird...

It doesn't make sense. 

And all the while, the world keeps on twirling... Drs appointments, work, sewing groups, homeschool meetings, shopping, eating, sorting... it all keeps happening and I keep thinking, my step-dad just died! 

Everyone is going through David's things and dividing it up. Thankfully, it has all be done peacefully and with care and concern for everyone. When I am there and see things leaving, I sit back and think, just let us bury him first - just wait!  I don't say it, I just wish it. I haven't asked for a thing from his possessions. I have no desire to do so. I guess I feel like he might still need something so let's wait a bit. I just want the earth to stop for a moment and let us mourn our loss. Why do we have to go from one season in our lives and race on to the next season without getting a grip on 'the moment we are in'?

Why am I so torn over his death and my place in it? Why can't I put into words what I feel?

 
My dearest David, we are going to miss you.  You were the only grandfather Steph and Jeremy really knew - as you know, our father's died early in their lives. Both are sad to see you go, both are gonna miss seeing 'grandpa', and both have terrific memories of hanging out with you and fishin'. We all have lots of wonderful and fun memories with you. You leave a very large hole in our hearts, but the terrific memories will always be ours.

Do me a favor, hug moma, make her laugh again and hold her tight for us. Tell her how much I loved you both. And tell her I still miss her.

And we will miss you just as we still miss moma... I am definitely mourning your death and our loss. I love you.

Now go rest in God's glory, "Pop".