Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Depression, Disappointment and Resignation

I have come to the realization that depression is going to be a part of my life for the rest of my life.  I have no idea what brings it on, what causes it to hang on or why I cannot shake it, but it is here to stay.  It will come and go, but it is a part of me.

I have also come to the realization that disappointment is going to be a part of my life.  Things won't always go the way my mind wishes they would go; people don't have the same preconceived ideas of the things I do, they rarely do what they say they will and they aren't who I think they are.

What brings all of this up?  Well, of course the depression has set in again with a vengeance.  It doesn't mean I am not happy because I am. It just means that this stinking black cloud that is hanging over me will not leave. The weather has changed, the cool nights have set in and the sun is shining that low glow that means fall in on the way.  But no matter how hard I try to make myself stay busy and be outside, my thoughts always bring me back to what may really be troubling me...

It is not the views of the Oklahoma landscapes:



Or the loneliness one feels with depression:
 


What really gets to me is that my preconceived ideas of what our family would be doing up here.  I thought that being in Oklahoma with the family I grew up with would bring grandiose times of bbq's, get togethers and lots of craft and crop time.  I thought we would meet up in Tulsa for some garage sale time, chats over burgers, fishing, and a wee bit of shopping time - not buying, just hanging out and browsing, and going to scrapbook stores to scrap a few hours here and there.  I thought we would laugh while visiting hidden places in Oklahoma, share our skills at taking pictures and have quiet walks in the parks while enjoying the weather...

Boy was I wrong. 

I have been up here for a year now, and we have had only a handful of visits from our very nearby loved ones.  It is too far out in the boondocks I guess to make the effort to come here.  I went and picked up our little Aedan a few weeks ago and he was here for nearly two weeks.  We got one... ONE... 30 minute rushed visit from my sister and step-dad, and that is because they had to bring a birthday gift to him because my foot was broken and I could not drive to them.  Now I am talking about MY Oklahoma family.  Steve's mom and step dad came out (3+ hour drive one way) and spent a day or the weekend with us - and they have done this several times.  Steph and Todd have come here repeatedly from south Louisiana - and Shari and John have done the same from Alabama!


But my family, who lives just over an hour away never has the time to come to our place or meet in the big city.  They can go to Tulsa 4 times a week, but the extra 30 minute drive to our place... heck, even to call and ask if we can meet in Tulsa for lunch... well, there is no gas, no money, no time, not a good day, must race back for whatever, and honestly - no desire.

Yesterday I drove into Tulsa because my step-dad was having cataract surgery and as an afterthought, I was invited to join them.  I have no idea why they asked or why I did, but I went to sit with them while he had the surgery done.  My sister was tending to my step-dad's needs.  My niece ignored me.  She didn't say squat to me.  I honestly felt unwelcome there and if I had said anything, I was sure I would be spat down in my place.  I have no idea why she was being so rude; why she was glaring at me, why she was ignoring me - but she was.  And she was totally and very obviously engrossed in her cell phone - no time to look up and even say hi.  Not once did she actually acknowledge my very existence. 

And when dad went to the back my sister and I were visiting, she said after dad finished that they would have to stop by and get something to eat.  A big to-do was made of where did I want to go?  What sounded good?  And I did not want to say that I could not really afford to go out - but I would have because it would have been just a few more minutes with my sister and the family.  A few minutes to try to break the ice and visit.

But after it was all said and done, it didn't matter anyway - because suddenly she remembered she didn't have any cash, and she couldn't really afford to stop by anywhere and they needed to just head on home.  Love you.  Good bye.
 

And so I got back in my truck and drove the 30 minutes back to our place to eat my lunch at 2:30pm.  On the way, I called my sister to be sure dad was still doing ok, and she said he was - he had just finished eating a chicken sandwich from Wendy's.

And it was then I realized that no matter what I did or how I reconciled it, my family has better things to do with more important people than I and it will always be that way.  It is with deep regret and disappointment that I have come to this conclusion - that no matter what I am told it is actually the actions that speak louder than words.

And so I have resigned myself to this; I will just learn to enjoy the moments they share with me and not anticipate any 'sisterly' or 'brotherly' time (haven't seen or heard from him to speak of in MONTHS), any 'sit back and laugh' visits, or 'are you ok?' visits. or 'let's get together just 'cause I miss you' visits and certainly no crafty, scrappy or ancestry time...



I will just have to be okay and say that it is all a thing of the past...



And I will pretend I live in a far away place like Louisiana or Singapore..

I will let friends and my hubby carry me on as they always have

Because I guess that is the way it is supposed to be

But I am deeply disappointed to say the least.

I have always had time, or made time, for my family.

I have always cherished them 

And I love being with them 

Laughing and cutting up with them

And now that I live near them 

I can only miss them.


2 comments:

Cajunrose said...

I think you have two problems happening...a chemical problem, meaning you need to alter your meds, or go back on them.

The other problem just sucks...really. Some family members are such a disappointment. I think it's time to find your own family. What's the saying?
“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves” - Edna Buchanan

What gets said when you go to Tulsa and ask them to meet up?

I'll be up there soon...I'll be busy, sure, but maybe less busy if I can hand some of the stuff off to you, or do them together? lol

Hang in there..love you lots!

Anonymous said...

Sorry Sis:( I would definitely be bugging you to come play if I were there. It sucks when things don't work out the way you expected and pictured in your mind for decades. I sure hope things eventually work out to where the rest of the family starts visiting and making time for you more often.

Love you lots:)

Shari (Blogger won't let me use my real name to comment)